WHERE IT STOPS, NOBODY KNOWS
Can you believe it’s been 2 and a half years since I decided to take a gap year? The Soul Sabbatical started as a little experiment, something to bridge the gap from nothing to my next chapter. Somehow it became a way of life. This freedom to be anyone and do anything has spawned so much happiness and growth for a girl that was feeling seriously stuck. I’ve been in a period of rest and reflection. My body craved some stillness and my brain was busy thinking about where I’ve been and where I want to go.
A little test trip to Taos is how it technically started, but the Soul Sabbatical truly began with a one way ticket to Seattle. I literally just wanted a sandwich and to spend a bit more time in a city I fell in love with on a girl’s weekend several years ago. I don’t think it’s an accident that I wrapped up year 2 of the adventure and I sketched out most of year 3 from a beautiful house in the Seattle suburbs. I blinked and I’m back, kicking off the summer on the sound. Something told me to come and get some writing done, have some fun, and see if this could feel like home. It was an added bonus to test the survivability of a Seattle winter. It felt comfortable and right as soon as I landed. My creativity has been drowning in a massive wave of nostalgia. I’ve been doing a LOT of looking back since I arrived. Maybe it’s the anniversary of the adventure, or maybe it was my extended holiday break in Austin. Maybe it’s the fact that this is the year of my 20th high school reunion, or that I’ve been adventuring with my senior prom date, someone that’s been a great sounding board to my dreams for more than half of my life now. Maybe it’s because I’ve been listening to my high school and college playlists- the music I used to dream to. But I’ve done a lot of processing of my past, and it brought a fresh perspective to what I want for my future.
I’m a goal oriented person. I grew up with one big goal- I wanted to be a part of the dream machine and help make people’s dreams come true. I lived for my job, I put 10,000% of my energy into it, and there wasn’t much left for anything else. When I hit that wall and had no idea who I was or what I actually wanted, I was trapped in a quagmire of decision fatigue. I could go anywhere, do anything, be anyone. How would I choose?
I’ve never been great at commitment or contentment. I have a wanderlust spirit and a constant curiosity about what else could come around the corner. The fact that I can go anywhere and everywhere is equal parts exciting and overwhelming. I’m the girl that lays in bed at night making lists. I sleep MUCH better than I did prior to the Soul Sabbatical, but instead of counting sheep I count the things that need to be done. Ways to grow- personally, professionally, mentally, physically, financially. I ponder the same big questions. How should I be investing my time and energy? Am I closer to my goals or dreams? Do I crave stability or a routine? Am I running from problems instead of facing them? This adventure is so good for my mind body and spirit, but is it as terrible for my career path as it is for my retirement plans? Does it even matter if I’m doing what I’d want to do retired while my body can still handle it?
I regularly have to remind myself that I’m thinking too big. Just like when I was preparing to pull the plug on my old life, my new one needs my focus streamlined. I think a thousand steps ahead in all aspects of my life, but I’m directionally challenged and get lost if I stray too far from what is immediately necessary. I just needed to make baby steps towards the number one thing necessary to complete phase one of a plan. I’d spend a few minutes thinking about the next phases, but I could only maintain the energy required to find momentum if I front loaded my energy into what had to happen to get through the next day. I couldn’t move past trying to be efficient and perfect, crafting things bigger and better
When I kicked off this adventure, my goals were pretty simple. I wanted to spend quality time in places I had considered living, and cross some new places off my wishlist. Maybe along the way I would rediscover my other passions and learn enough about myself to make new longterm goals for my future. After several years of Nashville evolving past the point of recognition, it stopped feeling anything like home. I want to feel like I belong somewhere. I want to make a difference. I want to build an empire, something that truly contributes to the lives of other women like me. Ones that don’t think a new last name, white picket fence and 2.5 kids are the meaning of life. I’ve stumbled onto a couple of ideas that I’m really excited about. I’m tinkering with an adult choose your own adventure novel that is part city guidebook part romcom. But like my life on the road, there are lots of happy endings but no happily ever afters. I’m also playing with a couple of interesting business ideas. This year’s word is build. I’m determined to build and grow something lasting from the ideas that keep me up at night.
I’m still shopping for different places to call home, and the next branch of my career path, but I’m much more ok with the idea that maybe I just wont have one. The only choice I really want to make is to keep doing what I’m doing. I LOVE the freedom and flexibility of this life. After years of not being able to be there for my friends and family, the ability to base all of my decisions around what they need and what I want is a level of empowerment I never imagined possible. I follow my whims and passions. If I want to go somewhere or do something, I do, and who could ever go back to being tied to a desk in a tiny little box? Head to Michigan for a massive Van Gogh show and sister time in Detroit? Done. A once in a lifetime Matisse exhibit and marathon of musicals celebrating another sister’s graduation? Absolutely. 3 months bopping around Australia, snorkeling the Great Barrier Reef and surprise visits in Sydney with a favorite aunt and uncle? Duh. A dreamy trip through the desert with more family followed by a California Coastal roadtrip? Meandering through Monument Valley, and roaming the red rocks in Sedona, Antelope Slot Canyon, and Chihuly in the desert? Absolutely what dreams are made of. Fall Fun in New England with my favorite old friends? YES! Sign me up! I did things I never would have imagined like criss-crossing Alaska in a uHaul van and camping in the back beside glaciers and mountains and the most beautiful scenery despite my fear of the well armed locals and wildlife. Some of it was spontaneous, some of it was long dreamed about, all of it was restorative and life changing.
It’s not just the sightseeing and adventures that are bringing so much joy to my life. The relationships I’m creating along the way are remarkable. Most of the families that host me become extended members of my own family. We check in on each other throughout the year, and their pets take up valuable real estate in my heart. I’m devastated when I receive texts that they aren’t doing well and bouyed by silly photos and videos of them on their own adventures. My blood and chosen family join me on some of my jobs, and I work in time to spend with them along the way. I’m alone so much of the time, so opportunities to create new memories in exciting new places with people I love is a thrill. I’ve met some really interesting and incredible people on the road. It blows my mind that the capriciousness of being at the right place at the right time and striking up conversations have brought so many treasures to my life. My unexpected favorite part of the journey has been reconnecting with acquaintances that have become dear friends thanks to the power of social media and meet ups when I enter their orbit. It’s amazing how much more I connect with friendly faces from high school, college, and work as an adult. Years of following each other on socials turned into meeting up on long layovers or traipsing around cities we happen to find ourselves in. It’s such a serendipitous surprise. Sure I miss the ability to just call up a friend and see if they want to meet up for brunch or head to a show- but my world is split wide open and the possibilities are endless now.
I’ve come to miss every single place I’ve temporarily called home along the way. I’ve made repeat visits to many if not most of my stops on this journey, and I’m filled with a sense of gratitude and comfort as soon as I arrive. It doesn’t seem to matter where I land, but I am ready to roll again after a few weeks. I love New York and will always want to spend a big chunk of my time there, but I fear that the day to day grind will extinguish the joy and jolt of energy and inspiration I get every time I visit. Winter keeps me from committing to New York, Boston or Chicago, regardless of my requirement for annual visits. A lack of seasons and surplus of traffic keep me from moving to LA. The cost of living in San Francisco and Seattle scares me, but I’m consistently called back to the west coast. There is just SO MUCH to see and do, delicious things to eat, friends and family I love to spend time with. The combination of art, culture, food, and shockingly- outdoor options are pretty irresistible to me. I’ve spent the past several months working my way down the west coast, and I fall deeper in love with the area with every visit.
The joke has been that after a decade of working in an industry that desperately needs mental health professionals, I now work for them. It’s a crazy change of pace. After many many years of therapy, I am so proud to be a small part of something so impactful to the improvement of peoples lives. I was looking at a list of the top stress causing behaviors in our lives and it blew my mind how drastically I’ve changed thanks to this adventure.
Perfectionism: I used to be the BIGGEST perfectionist. Everything had to be just right and perfect. Neat and tidy and wrapped up with a bow. It gave me paralysis because I couldn't let anything go half done and I hated to fail. I've let that go to live this life, and it is GLORIOUSLY FREEING.
Impatience: I'm pretty patient. But there are certain people and behaviors that I lack patience with. Disrespect/disregard for other people's time and attention, belittling others, and butting in on things that don't involve you drive me crazy. I was always anxious for the next thing and couldn’t just live in the moment. While I do look forward to the next leg of each of my adventures, I am living in the moment and appreciating them for what they are.
Lack of sense of humor: I have a good sense of humor and a pretty optimistic attitude. I used to care SO much about what other people thought of me that I got really hurt when people poked fun at me, but it doesn't bother me nearly as much anymore. I’m doing my own thing, and I truly don’t care what you think about it.
Rigid: By nature I'm a pretty anal/OCD/Type A planner. I needed everything laid out and organized for maximum efficiency, but I've been able to unclench a LOT in the past couple of years. This would have been impossible if I held to that part of my personality.
Need to control: I have struggled for control my whole life, but I have recently learned to let go and just let people be. I spent so much time trying to help myself and others do and be their best, and I'd get so frustrated and upset when we underperformed/didn't live up to our potential. It's much happier and healthier admitting that it's not my circus not my monkeys and just let people be and do their own thing.
Unable to Relax: I hate massages, I used to have the hardest time unwinding. I could not unclench and relax without assistance. I had 3 different sleeping pills to help me turn my brain off and get some sleep. But I haven't needed them since I started on this journey. I am living a far more relaxing life and much much much happier about it.
Competitiveness: I didn't play sports, I was a music kid and I never cared what chair I was. I am competitive when it comes to board games/cards but I not obsessively/unhealthy. I like to win but I'm not cutthroat or crazy. I no longer wonder if I am falling behind in my career or my personal life. I’m on an entirely uncharted path. I know I’m making progress on the journey, and that’s good enough for me.
Procrastination: There are certain things I just hate doing. My taxes, paying bills/dealing with money in particular. I will put off doing the things that need to be done because I hate it, even if it will only take just five minutes, but having it hang over my head leaves a lot of stress on my plate that really doesn't need to be there. I kept putting off making a big change and shaking up my life because it terrified me. I was stressed about money/budgeting/figuring out all of those constant logistics.
I took a personality test and had blatant proof of my personal evolution. I am not my resume. I am not the scars and baggage I carry. I am not the laundry list of spectrum disorder traits that have become glaringly obvious to me over the past several years. The traits that are proven to hold you back are no longer key components of who I am. I am smart, kind, capable, caring, friendly, outgoing, funny, and I deserve the great things that I’ve been too afraid to reach for. People have been put in my path to help me grow and learn to love and accept myself, and the experience has been beneficial beyond belief. The lessons and the friendship are ones I’ll keep forever. I’m happier, stronger, and more confident than I have ever been. I no longer let the list of reasons not to keep me from doing things I really want to do. I haven’t run out of wishlist places to go. It’s working so far. I’m learning new things, seeing beautiful places that have been big dreams and goals for a very long time. I have the space and the freedom to pursue things that make me happy and excited- and I can pick a new one to focus on without completely burning something down at work, at home, or with other obligations. I’m able to turn on a dime and pivot when someone I love needs me, and that feels AMAZING. I’m not in debt or danger. It’s not all rainbows and butterflies. Constantly laying track to not wind up stuck or homeless is stressful. There is so much that can go wrong, and as an anxious person- it takes up a decent amount of brain space. I get lonely sometimes. I spend a lot of time alone with my thoughts and it can get overwhelming. I’ve had some really crappy and stressful things happen along the way, a couple expensive mistakes for my bank account and sanity, but I’ve learned and grown from all of it. I wake up everyday with an overwhelming sense of gratitude. I’m not reluctant to get out of bed or tackle a day. I’m energized by the places and faces in my path. I wanted to learn how to work to live, not live to work, but I never imagined how much I’d actually LIVE in these moments.
I’m beginning to think there is no end game to this adventure. I’m no longer hunting for home, I’m just having a good time. And I think that’s completely ok. I haven’t done nearly as much writing as I intended, but I’ve been doing some work on some issues that have been percolating for a very long time. I’ve been growing and gaining experiences and adventures. If you told me I had to chose a place to ship my things right now, I’d say I want to split my time between NYC, Seattle, Chicago, and winter someplace warm and wonderful. My stuff should stay in storage and I should keep doing more with less. I honestly think that’s a doable arrangement, but I’m going to keep chasing sunsets around the globe until my restlessness abates and my nesting nature returns.
Whenever people ask me about my plans, they scratch their heads and exclaim over the stress and confusion my half-baked plans cause them. To me, it’s exciting. Right now I plan to go to San Diego to spend some time with Koby, then New York to catch the Georgia Okeeffe exhibit at MOMA, the Vincent Van Gogh exhibit at The Met, and pretty much establish a direct deposit between my bank account and Broadway. My sisters and I plan to meet up for some summer shenanigans, and I hope to catch the Julia Child exhibit in Detroit with Cindy, and get our matching Frank Lloyd Wright Waterlily tattoos in Chicago with Kyra. There are concerts and Cubs games and Art Institute visits to plan. I still think I’d like to go to my 20th reunion to see how successful I can be at separating people from their pasts. I am not the same woman I was 3 years ago, let alone 5, 10 and 20. I think it’s a true test of my own personal growth (and many years of therapy) to see if I can take these people from my past as they are instead of who they were. Isn’t that all we can hope for?
It’s currently CMA Fest in Nashville, and I don’t recognize a significant portion of the names on the lineup this year. I shifted gears from music to travel at the end of 2016, and I’ve been doing FOMO checks at key points every year since. I may still be testing the waters on my next dream, but I am still 100% confident in my decision to close that chapter and try writing a few new ones. The blog is full of photos of what I’ve been up to lately, but I wanted to take a moment to appreciate where I’ve been. Without digging up my old hard drives and archives, I grabbed some photos from my favorite musical moments and memories from my socials and albums over the years. It was really fun to walk down memory lane of the soundtrack that shaped me, the people that made me, and the dream that fueled me through the majority of my life. Life is a collection of little moments, and I’ve had more than my fair share of magical ones. I’m eternally grateful for the village that supports me, the stories that sustain me, and the future before me. Thanks for being a part of it all :)
