PlayBack
I was born in 1985, graduated high school in 2003 and college in 2007. I was raised on a steady diet of 80’s rock, piano ballads, 90’s country, 2000’s pop, and I have a serious addiction to singer-songwriter demos and weird covers. I distinctly remember quick trigger fingers taping songs off the radio with my dad’s behemoth boombox. I spent hours meticulously crafting playlists to burn on cds to blast through the blown out speakers of my sparkly purple Saturn. I have incredibly fond memories of picking out a stack of cassettes to bring on a road trip, sitting on my knees on the hot vinyl seats of my dad’s Sentra with my right arm and half my hair flying out of an open window. I packed a steamer trunk full of CDS for my freshman dorm and remember swapping big black binders of carefully alphabetized albums with friends on my floor. I had a Dell DJ before a series of click wheel iPods, and remember the agony of being knocked off the dial up connection mid-download of a bootleg I’d discovered. I’d been to more than a hundred concerts before I was 8, I dedicated years of my life to finding and sharing magical musical gems. Music has always been a very integral part of who I am.
Caitlyn Smith recently released a single called “Lately,” and I pretty much need an intervention with this song. I ask Alexa to play it literally every time I walk into the kitchen, and I request a repeat OVER and OVER and OVER again while I cook and clean and sing my heart out to the windows. I’m a little afraid Amazon is going to file a restraining order on her behalf, or do a welfare check down the street to my housesit. It’s so simple, but it’s stunning. I feel it clear to my bones.
The last time I was this obsessed with a song, it was also a Caitlyn Smith gem, and it hit me so hard I grew a pair and quit the career I’d been sacrificing my life for. I LIVE for a song that feels like someone snuck into my heart or my brain and found the words I desperately needed. It’s why country music will always be my first love. There is nothing like three chords and the truth to get to the heart of things.
I’ve been trying to write the adult choose your own adventure I’ve been noodling with, but I’ve been a bit blocked. Maybe because real life has been more fun than the imagination I usually escape to. Not a terrible problem to have, but a bit frustrating when you’re trying to see if an idea has legs. I don’t need a lot of help to wax nostalgic, but I recently reconnected with a friend from high school, and my mind has raced through old memories I hadn’t revisited in half a lifetime.
After about 10K spins of “Lately,” I thought maybe I should try looking back to shake something loose. I dug through some of my old playlists and found one I had made for a guy I once dated with zero musical memory overlap. I flipped through it and realized it was full of songs that had dug deep under my skin in high school and college. Tracks I played as a freshly minted adult; bright, shiny and full of dreams, drive, and a hunger to conquer anything and everything. It’s funny, I’m miles from that girl now. Two decades and a few million lessons stand between us. Some of the songs, friends and memories are indelibly etched into my soul, some are long forgotten and far behind in the rearview. I’m an empath, I tend to vibrate with feelings, even if they aren’t necessarily my own. After a surplus of feelings the past couple of years, I sank into a numbness that was very new for me. Playing these old songs while digging through my photo archives was an excellent exercise. I felt the whole spectrum of emotions while spending time with the records that always spoke to me. I like to think the echos of these long cherished voices helped me re-find my own.
I went in and added a few more tracks. Now there are songs that I was a part of that make me so proud. Songs that make me laugh, smile, cry, and remind me of things I never want to forget. They reminded me of the girl I was, and inspire the woman I want to be. I am usually so forward focused, but it’s SO good for my soul to take a walk down memory lane. There are many many many demos, worktapes, white labels, bootlegs, and songs I’ll probably never get my hands on again that take up massive chambers of my heart, but this playlist is a perfect primer to my psyche.
If this list isn’t enough to spark anything for you, my desert island and 90’s/classic country playlists are the ones that most soundtrack my life. I know we are no longer a full album society, but if I had to grab a stack of CDs for the road trip of this adventure, these would be my top contenders for our journey. Sitting with any of them start to finish is worth the time.
The crazy blast from my musical past made me so grateful for my memories and stories, and truly appreciate how far I’ve come on this soul sabbatical journey. This one too.The girl that lived to work has learned to work to live. The one who couldn’t make any personal plans because of her job now plans jobs that fit with my personal goals and dreams. The me that got all of her self worth from her business card hasn’t had one in almost 3 years, and it’s as freeing as living my life out of a suitcase.
Next week will mark the end of Year 2 of the Soul Sabbatical and kick off year 3. I’m pretty much fully committed on housesits through June and have outlined my wishlist destinations for the rest of 2023. Some stops are even centered around concerts, just like the good ole days. Funny thing about those Good Ole Days, it used to be hard to tell when you were living them, but now I wake up every day sure that my entire foundation is built on them.
