Flashback of Saying Goodbye
A year ago today, I was on the road to Austin to start this crazy adventure of mine. It was a little emotional seeing this Facebook post and accompanying flashback photos. I wanted to post it here to preface my reflection post on this incredible year. The difference between how I felt on this day last year and how I feel now is mind boggling.
If I thought giving up the dream I had spent my whole life chasing, and the office I’d worked so hard for to try something completely different 5 years ago was weird, what I’m doing now is REALLY weird.
6 years ago on this day, I left the bucket list Garth show for a business trip to Jamaica with the company I later left my lifelong dream behind to pursue a future of travel with.
The press release about my promotion coming up on my timehop on the day I decided to put myself out there in a video and share my crazy half-baked plans for my vagabond life was one way to help me process how different my feelings were about the forks in my road.
The timehop of the day I moved into my office coming up the first morning I woke up with everything I own in my car and no idea where I want to point it next week made me realize just how happy I am to have created another turn in my journey. Whenever this post came up I felt so proud of myself for the hard work it took to get there, the sacrifices I made, and how grateful I was that I was moving in the direction I wanted. Seeing the day I saw what a life filled with travel and adventure could be opened me up to a world of possibility. Having both come up as I wait to surprise my favorite “nephew” with a masked hug to read children’s books together as research for the ones I plan to write myself gave me such a feeling of peace, relief, joy, and pride. A whole spectrum of emotions I was too exhausted and numb inside to truly celebrate when I woke up on this day 5 and 6 years ago.
I am not particularly religious or spiritual, I don’t put a lot of faith in much more than myself and my capabilities. I do my best to a good person, to be the best version of myself in hopes that the energy I put out into the world will come back to me. I put very little emphasis on pursuing other people’s opinions of what I should be doing with my life, but I do look for little affirmations that I’m on the right path. I value things that confirm the human experience and make us feel seen and heard. It’s why music, theater, and art mean so much to me. I may get prickly when people judge me for not having children of my own, but my favorite blood and friend aunts were just as formative to my life as the people that gave me life. Nam Nguyen, Michelle Fehr Nguyen, Lori Ann and Mary Wheaton had children of their own, but they did their own fair share of raising me. I like to think I was good practice for them. Betty Barrett and Elyssa Rosenberg did not birth their own, but they were big parts of the village that made me who I am. They gave me the strength and belief that the husband and kids I was supposed to want werent the only ingredients to happiness and fulfillment. That pursing your passions did not preclude yourself from a life full of love. I may not desire kids of my own, but the children I love carry bits of my heart and the things I share and teach them. I may not be leaving behind DNA and extra branches on the family tree, but I have planted legacy that I faithfully tend to make the world a better place for future generations, even if it doesn’t look like people think it should.
I decided on a whim to get my aura read at Tertiary Sightwhen my sister came to visit in November 2019. I was happy enough, but thought there might be more out there for me than what I was doing. I was frozen with indecision evaluating possibilities for potential changes. There was so much I wanted to see and do, so many shiny options to potentially pursue. I was weighed down with anxiety and indecision, sleepless with never ending internal debates about where to spend my energy. My aura reading was a special experience, and I really enjoyed the exposure to something so completely new to me. It was like getting your fortune told, reading about enneagrams, or enjoying a shared horoscope; something fun to explore but not make any drastic changes after.
Somehow I was hit with the exact same whim as I packed my car preparing to leave everything behind except the thrill of chasing joy, pursuing the things that scare me, tackling my fears and anxiety with nothing but an open heart and mind. So while everything I own is in my car on a layover to surprise my favorite “nephew,” I’m excited about what lies ahead. I have literally no idea what is in store for me tomorrow, but today I’m going to let my favorite expert on children’s literature help me do some research before I start writing my own. I fully appreciate the irony of the woman who doesn’t want kids so she can do whatever she wants feels drawn to writing them stories, but it doesn’t stop me from wanting to give it a shot. Thats the beauty of life as a #spoiledspinster. I can do whatever the eff I want.
I may not put much stock in signs, but seeing this post about one level of excitement for the future and then looking at the difference between the energy I’m emitting as I try on another future... I think I got one. Looking at my life events and seeing nothing but work and travel makes me proud that I can marry the two and fill it with love and happiness. I may not be registering for wedding or baby gifts, but the gift of the life I’m free to live is plenty for me.
